A People Pleasing Pandemic

‘No one gets a big shiny gold medal for telling people what they want to hear.’

These were not the words I wanted to hear.

Mark Manson (author of the bestselling The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck) would definitely not be getting a gold medal from me any time soon.

I had been browsing Manson’s Instagram page, and this statement had not pleased me at all.

This is because I had, in fact, been waiting for my big shiny medal. Years of enduring soul sucking social interactions and jumping through other people’s hoops had convinced me that I would get some kind of reward for my efforts.

But with these words, Manson had brought my delusion crashing down.

There was no point in being a doormat for other people.

The gold medal was not coming.

In many ways, people pleasing has become a plague of the twenty-first century.

Whilst this might sound a tad melodramatic, for Dr. Neha Sangwan, people pleasing is a legitimate concern when it comes to our physical health.

A staggering eighty per cent of illness can be attributed to stress and burnout, problems which Sangwan notes are often onset by constantly prioritising others over your own health.

In an interview with author Mel Robbins, Sangwan found 82 per cent of Robbins’ audience felt constantly stressed because of a conflict that they were avoiding. 70 per cent of people said yes when they meant no, putting others before their own health and needs.

I listened to this part with interest whilst nursing a small sniffle.

Perhaps my lurgy was a product of too much washing up for my partner. Maybe it would be safer for him to step in…

Other than this (in my view) very apt solution, there had to be a way of casting off the shackles of being a people pleaser.

For Psychology Today writer Jennifer Guttman, the answer is already inside us.

Whilst many of us look to the outside world for validation, Guttman proposes that internal affirmation is the way forward.

If you ‘give yourself positive feedback’ or ‘do something nice for yourself,’ you won’t be so reliant on others to validate your worth.

Some helpful exercises Guttman suggests for making this transition include:

Practicing being alone (and not making yourself indispensable to others the whole time)

Making decisions alone (focusing on the outcome you would like instead of trying to mind-read what those around you would prefer)

Saying no when you don’t want to do something (and not offering to do things unless asked to)

Consistency is key with these practices. But the more you apply these rules to your life, the more you will build respect for yourself, your own time and decisions.

…

With that in mind, I am off to put up my feet and grab a brew. Maybe I’ll practice saying no to something I do not want to do.

After all, it is not my turn to do the washing up…